Life is a rollercoaster...

"Nobody can go back and start a new begining, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson

I finally did it. I finally sent the letter to my dad. The letter that told him how I've felt abandoned for the past 10 years. The letter that told him how hurt I am that he missed all of the important things in my life. The letter that told him Goodbye. I felt better for the first hour after I sent it, I felt accomplished, I felt relieved, I felt.... better. I kept telling myself it was over and done with. I had cut the ties and I was "free" of feeling that sadness anymore. I was wrong. I caught myself checking my messages every 10 minutes to see if he had responded. (Even though I had asked him to have no further contact with me, I knew that wouldn't stick.) I decided to check one last time before I headed to bed, and there it was.... One new message from "Dad" Maybe I should have just saved it for tomorrow, but I couldn't wait to see how mad he was at the things I had pointed out. He wasn't mad at all. Instead, it made me feel worse. It made me feel like the bad guy. I felt like I was the one who abandoned him. He didn't point fingers or put the blame on me. He merely told me that he knew he had done wrong. Keep in mind, not once did he say the word "sorry" in the whole letter he wrote back. Instead, things like "Don't give up on me. Give me one more chance to prove to you and C that I can be a Dad." And I'm the one feeling guilty? Why? Why do I allow myself to feel this way?! It's not fair, it really isn't. It's not fair to me, to Forrest, or to Bentley that I can sit here and blame myself after ten years of disappointment from that man.

And so, I'm going to do something about it. I will no longer allow him to control my emotions in this way. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I am all of these things without him and have been all of these things without him for the past ten (1o!!!) years! Why should I change any of that by moping around and having a pity party for myself? I'm not going to do it! I have a family of my own now and that is what matters the most in my life!

This brings me to my "What inspires me" thoughts. What does inspire me? It may seem silly, but the friendships that I have built from my online friends inspires me. A few of the women that I call my friends on my Mommy board shared their "dad" stories with me and how they overcame the pain and hurt that their father's had caused them. These women inspired me to write my dad the letter, to tell him my thoughts and feelings, and if I felt that it was best for me to cut ties, so be it. And that is just what I did. I'm thankful for these women every day, I share someof my life with them and they just listen. So ladies, when you read this, (you know who you are) thank you. You are my inspiration in dealing with my emotions and my father. It was just nice getting opinions from people outside of the box, so to say, that don't know me or my dad or any other party involved. While I have many other inspirations in doing what I did (My mom being one of them, and of course my wonderful husband!), I just wanted to write about this one for today.

In dealing with the "loss" of my father, I can only become a better parent because of it. My goals to live by to get through my tough time this week!

• I choose to be a better parent and not shadow the things I saw my own Father do!
• I choose to love my family for who they are and what they do, no matter what!
• I choose to wake up every day with a smile on my face!
• I will give myself goals and reward myself when I achieve them!

*XoXo*

Liss